Lesbian Invisibility: Internalised Homophobia, the Torture of Silence

C. C. Saint-Clair. Silent Goodbyes. 1st Books Library, 2002.

Reviewed by Evelyn Hartogh.


Although Queensland decriminalised male homosexual activity in 1990 (lesbian activity was never prohibited), and the state's 1991 Anti-Discrimination Act covers 'lawful sexual activity' the Act contains the exceptions of work that deals with minors, and activities (and by extension identities) which offend religious beliefs. The Anti-Discrimination Act has then created legally permissible discrimination towards gay men and lesbians. While recent 2002 reforms have made same-sex couples equal in many laws to heterosexual defactos and outlawed vilification against LGBTs, it still remains that church-run institutions can demand that a worker does 'not act in a way that defies the teachings of the church while at work or in a work related activity' (Queensland Pride #164, 6 December 2002). The workplace where this permissible bigotry is most felt is in the classroom since teachers must still take into account the religious beliefs held by parents and held by or imposed upon students. Since the law still supports certain discrimination towards gays and lesbians, the consequences are not only external homophobic ridicule or abuse, (homophobia being unlikely to vanish overnight even though technically now outlawed) but also the psychological nightmare of internalised homophobia.

Silent Goodbyes is narrated by Emilie, who is angered and anxious over hiding her sexuality, and expects negative consequences if any of her work colleagues discover she is a lesbian. Emilie works in Brisbane at an educational institution where 'my boss [is] so homophobic that he's inserted a clause in the staff contracts that clearly leaves any gay employee totally vulnerable to a contract termination' (3). Emilie ponders why she accepts this 'homophobic dictate' (3) and why she believes 'lying and distancing' (3) are her only choices; 'I resent the professional closet I'm in' (7).

Emilie barely speaks to any of her co-workers for fear they will suspect she is gay and she will be fired. She fantasises about being a praying mantis and biting off her boss Graeme's head, watching his body 'thrash around while I calmly chomp on it' (1-2). Emilie seems to enjoy these violent fantasies and is glad to find the spare time to indulge in them: 'I can stay where I am for another few minutes ... and get back to the slow metaphoric dismemberment of Graeme' (22). She feels a lack of control over her own thoughts and sees them as 'unavoidably revolving around the figurative mangling of Graeme' (4).

Emilie also assumes her co-worker Mary is homophobic because she is married and academic. She envisages Mary's husband Jim as 'a total bore around the dinner table. I imagine her two boys slug like, stoop-shouldered and anaemic' (81). Emilie, with no evidence, convinces herself that Mary hates gays: 'I know the side she'd be rooting for. Oh, how I hate that, all of it. I hate it, hate it. Hate it!' (199). Yet, it is only Emilie that tortures herself with hate, as it turns out that Mary's sister is gay, 'a self-proclaimed butch' (297), and Mary is not judgmental or homophobic at all. Emilie is forced to come to terms with her own prejudices: 'I may have dismissed this woman ... too quickly ... on the basis that she's straight and married and has children' (269).

Silence, secrecy and assumption colour all of Emilie's relationships. Although she claims she would not be a good liar and that 'pretending to be anti-social is much easier' (3), Emilie lies to her girlfriend Solange when her feelings change (147-8) and breaks a date with 'a half-truth type of explanation' (161) – although she also admits to: 'Having lied to Solange about my backload' (163).

There is a wonderful voyeuristic quality to Silent Goodbyes, since the reader is privy to both Emilie's private thoughts and the contradictory nature of her self expression. It seems slightly ironic that Emilie teaches Communication but has great difficulty in relating honestly with anyone, as well as putting most of her emotional energy into disaster or revenge fantasies, and seeming unaware of the effect of her hostility on others. A sailing trip to the Whitsundays, with her girlfriend Solange, becomes a nightmare of catastrophising in Emilie's mind as she puts herself through agonising mental torture, and swears and shouts at her girlfriend constantly. Emilie's eventual realisation that most of her anxieties are unfounded comes too late to save her from losing her girlfriend Solange and chasing the already-taken Roberta.

Triggered by her imagination, Emilie runs through all of the painful emotions that would occur if her girlfriend Solange ever did get hurt. Emilie first panics and swears when Solange stretches her arm out to passing dolphins (44-5). Then she imagines various other dangers: a deep-sea creature (47); sharks (49); stonefish and jellyfish stings (56-7); the current sweeping Solange away (59); coral grazes (103); and hypothermia (120). None of Emilie's predictions of disaster come to pass and tragically she is so distraught over her catastrophic fantasies that she cannot even be relieved when Solange returns safely from swimming. 'All I hear is that she almost drowned ... [and] her irrepressible impulsiveness ... had already spoiled three out of five sunsets since we had begun the trip' (60).

Her constant fears for Solange's safety quickly begin to ruin the spontaneity of their holiday. She blames this on Solange: 'My preoccupation with her movements had kept me from watching the dolphins' (44); and 'her antics had deprived me of that unique thrill' (45). Emilie calls her anxiety 'concern' which she sees Solange as rashly dismissing, 'that leaves me, as per a predictable pattern, on the edge of an annoyance I feel justified' (71). She projects her own negative behaviour onto Solange when it becomes clear they are breaking up: 'OK, I'm being punished. This, too, is new. A tantrum, is it?' (169). Yet, by now tantrums are not new to the reader as Emilie has been throwing them at home, on the boat and in her car. Emilie is not only unaware of the effect of her temper tantrums, she even forgets them entirely when later recalling the sailing trip in her mind (168).

Solange and Emilie's breakup is first described by Emilie as 'Solange's sudden bifurcation, desertion' (191) and again 'Solange's desertion' (203) and 'Solange's abrupt interruption of our relationship' (215). On the boat Solange had explained to Emilie in exasperation, 'I think you really need to respect me for who I am ... even if you don't get it ... I'm not a child' (107). Emilie shows little insight into how her controlling and hostile mindset contributed to the break-up, although eventually she admits 'my share of responsibility' (225). But not before Solange is forced to again explain to Emilie the effects of her behaviour: 'You haven't moved on from thinking of me like .... a child woman .... You spend so much of your energy worrying about me, making me feel ... inadequate' (222).

After they break up, Emilie finds out that Solange had been unfaithful, and she plays the wronged lover to her friends (202) while simultaneously beginning a secret affair with Roberta, a visiting expert to her workplace. Most of Part II (235-341) of Silent Goodbyes deals with Emilie and Roberta's affair, in the form of e-mails, letters, conversations, reveries and fantasies.

Roberta seems to represent Emilie's idealised self; she imagines that Roberta would 'never winds herself up about anything or anyone as I do' (4). On the sailing trip, Emilie begins comparing the calm Roberta to the spontaneous Solange: 'I don't imagine her [Roberta] capable of any rash decisions, any more acting on impulse' (209).

From the very beginning of Silent Goodbyes, Emilie begins to see as faults the very qualities that had originally attracted her to Solange. She admits some envy of Solange's 'ability to take risks' (14) and loves her 'energy and that irrepressible lust for life' (35) but soon begins to see these same qualities in a negative way: 'my lover's shortcomings revolve around an erratic sort of impulsiveness' (42); 'I ... rank some of her more impetuous choices close to irresponsibility' (46). While Emilie sees Solange as not being cautious enough, she herself is cautious to the point of losing much of the pleasure of life. Emilie and Solange's subjective risk assessments differ so greatly that almost no middle ground can be found.

For one brief moment Emilie contemplates her own reactions and behaviour and asks herself 'am I attempting to control her? ... attempting to change her into a lover more suited to my cautious nature?' (109). Solange explains to Emilie that her new girlfriend is able to let go: 'she does whatever she feels she needs to do ... Not what she thinks she should do' (227). Emilie sees this kind of attitude as a deficiency of caution, a 'Healthy fatalism' (230).

Control is important to Emilie: 'it was up to me to anticipate and call every move ... I just needed to be more vigilant, to anticipate more' (41). She expresses much regret and uncertainty over her choices: 'I should've insisted that Solange and I practise a few real life drills' (42); and 'Maybe I should've been more willing to do the companionable silent thing, instead of selfishly stretching my time alone at home. I could've gone along with her to Roger's too. Could have? Should have' (176). Emilie panics when her emotions seem out of her control: 'I know my jaws are clenched ... I need to move back, away from the fear .... Away from how she's coping .... I need to control all of this a lot better.' (62: author's italics)

She admits to herself that she has a negative attitude to life, but shows little desire to change: 'What a grump I am! I know. Can't help myself. Maybe I do need some kind of penance' (74); 'I'd much rather just lie here on deck, uncomfortable with my uncomfortable thoughts, and wallow in angry resentment' (122); and 'I just want to wallow and feel sick' (202: author's italics). On board the boat Emilie has a brief moment of illumination when she finally asks herself: 'Are my worry and my growing irritation on the right, or the wrong, side of reason?... On the wrong side of reason that'd make me controlling and manipulative. My impatience with her would be born out of narrow-minded, self-centred motives. Is it?' (117-118). Eventually Emilie begins to grasp the torment she puts herself through: 'I need to stop myself from what's becoming an encroaching state of almost constant anxious alert' (123).

Despite her desire for control, Emilie has a sense of powerlessness and sees herself as 'the product of whatever life experiences I happen to have had' (46), not as an active agent in her life. She sees her shortcomings as 'impatience towards little, niggly things that persist on going wrong' (42) and understands that 'getting so worked up ... about anything ... wasn't the way to go' (225) but does nothing to motivate herself to change and instead berates herself: 'I hate not having what it takes, the full tackle' (199) or punishes herself: 'I had set about flagellating myself'(163); 'forgive me father, for I have sinned the sin of the uninvolved' (83).

The physical manifestations of her anxiety and panic attacks are described as '[my] insides are wrapped in a tightening knot' (53-54) and a 'queasy feeling ... at the level of my solar plexus, the depository of all emotions, particularly the nasty ones, my friend-the-psychiatrist had said' (167) and 'warning beeps deep inside my head ... they will, in time, trigger a full on frenzied and manic brain-numbing alarm' (172).

The recent death of her cat still haunts Emilie and she recalls: 'A soiled rag, I thought, as I reversed out of the garage and into the street' (5); 'my little black cat ... had died on the spot. Or so I chose to believe' (92). Emilie does not seem to have yet accepted her cat's death and sadly decides that 'animals, the ones we truly love, are too much of a responsibility' (5). However she begins to patronise Solange as a pet and often describes her as a dog: 'Puppy-like, full of energy' (29); 'like a big puppy, buoyant and bursting with energy' (164).

Back at the institution, Emilie's fears of being outed manifest when a student asks her if she is a lesbian. She humiliates and lectures the student, gaining his anger and certainly not respect (194-8). Her over-reaction startles the student, yet Emilie believes she is coming across as calm and collected, 'I need to project that I'm not the least rattled by what's just happened' (198). Emilie is very shaken by her confrontation but manages to show some insight into her internalised homophobia: 'I hate the paranoia it generates in me' (199).

The physical and emotional pain that Emilie goes through is very real to her, and unfortunately more real to her than looking at her own behaviour. When Solange broke of their relationship I felt no sympathy for Emilie, because of her swearing, shouting, hostility and bullying of Solange on the boat. Emilie's outrage at Solange's unfaithfulness also seemed highly hypocritical when Emilie embarks on an affair with Roberta.

The existence of real and/or imagined homophobia had isolated Emilie in her workplace but the novel ends with some hope in Emilie's new friendship with Mary who is not homophobic, as Emilie had assumed. Tragically, Emilie's anxiety is not overcome in the course of the novel and her judgmental, controlling, negative attitude continues unchallenged. Emilie's fixation that she is unable (rather than unwilling) to change makes her suffering even sadder.

Evelyn Hartogh has a Masters in Women's Studies (Griffith University 1997) and a Masters in Creative Writing (University of Queensland 2002). She currently writes a column for Queensland Pride Newspaper, 'Pop Cult Sheroes' which examines fictional and historical representations of women.